The Rap Sheet - from the Mad Conservative
Great American Wrestling's Envy
3/20/2K5, Maroa, IL

This show had the potential to be a total clusterfrick...

The views expressed by the Mad Conservative Crimefighter are solely his own and do not reflect the views of friends, assoicates, co-workers, wrestlers, the management of GAW or any of the other six billion residents of Earth.

Well the announced lineup for today's show looks nothing like what the show actually offered, and that's because there's still discontent among members of the roster.  At least five people were scheduled to appear and did not for various reasons.  So this show had the potential to be a total clusterfrick.

Live from the old Maroa Grade School in Maroa, IL.  Attendance was about 90 by my head count.  Your commentary team is Chris Lee and Slick Rick Castle in a 500 cent suit.  Scarlet Rose sings the national anthem.

We have a contract signing for the main event later tonight.  Lucky Dane comes out and pinches Slick Rick, he says he brought JC Michaels into the sport five years ago.  Uh WHAT?  I don't think he's been wrestling for five years, I'm certain his first match came in Oct. 2003.  Dane calls Ben Taylor's crew out here, and it's Irish Revolution with JC.  Some girl with a clipboard is with them, looking very nervous.  Dane makes a bunch of fat jokes on JC before reading the contract out loud.  Better check for fine print!  JC now runs his mouth about history, that Dane was a ruthless villian years ago until he met his wife.  What the heck does that have to do with anything?  JC claims Dane is more worried about Lizzy O'Shea more than the title and says Lizzy will be Dane's downfall.  Oh I can see where this is going.  Ben Taylor then warns anyone if he's physically messed with they're fired.  Maybe if he'd quit engaging in conflicts of interest he wouldn't have a problem.

Slick Rick announces that they are starting qualifying rounds for the "Freedom Cup" or a "Central States" championship.  I wish it was a cruiserweight belt.

Triple Threat Match
"Extreme Enforcer" Gavin Alexander 275lbs, Upper East Coast vs. Dr. Gore 190lbs, McFarlands in Springfield, IL vs. Dickie Williams 280lbs. Momma's Basement - Williams has a Care Bears shirt on.  I thought Dr. Gore ditched the face mask?  Williams doesn't want to fight, he wants to have a tea party.  The others don't agree and slug him.  Williams gets thrown through the ropes and gets a foot caught in the bottom rope on the way down.  Gavin hits a clothesline, then chokes away.  Williams keeps asking for tea and Gavin throws him over the top rope, Williams gets a foot caught on the way down again.  By the way, there's no padding around the ring at all.  Gavin slams Gore, he chops away.  Williams back in and beats on both guys.  Gore elbows Gavin, Williams splashes Gavin for two.  Gore and Williams make a wish with Gavin's legs, by the way, Gavin is nursing a leg injury but managed to get clearance to wrestle tonight.  Gore to the middle rope and hits an elbow on Williams, Gavin with a DDT on Gore!  Williams with a LOW BLOW on Gavin, DDT!  Gore elbows Gavin, Williams gives Gore a pit stop, good thing he was wearing a mask.  Gore with a DDT on Williams for two.  Forward flatliner by Gore gets two.  Gavin with another LOW BLOW on Williams, Gore gets two.  Gavin puts Williams on the ropes to choke, Gore sits on Williams.  Williams shoves Gavin and Gore in the corner for a SANDWICH, gets two.  Williams goes back to wanting tea, they rip his shirt and chop Williams.  Side suplex Williams on Gore, Gavin gets dumped out, Williams sits on Gore and pins him.  Totally bland triple threat.  Gavin screams he was never pinned, so what he still gets an L.

WINNER:  Dickie Williams pin -> (4-2) 7:15 mins. *

Jokaz (1-0-0-1) 165lbs. Dark Carnival vs. Petey Clark (1-1) 170lbs. Clark Family Farm w/ Jessie Clark - I should say at the outset that Jokaz was in a bad car crash on Friday, due to some idiot from Tennessee who apparently doesn't know how to stop for a red light and was running 45 in a 30.  The car Jokaz was in side impacted the speeder and flipped her into the side of a building.  It's a wonder he's able to wrestle tonight, he's quite sore.  Jessie gets in Slick Rick's face for another smart arse comment.  In the ring Jokaz jumps Petey, one foot monkey flip, slam gets two.  Petey splashes Jokaz in the corner for two.  Jokaz with a rake, whip and clothesline gets two.  Jokaz with a KO punch gets two.  Set up on the ropes, Jokaz pulls off a 619!  But uh oh, being that Jokaz is real sore from the accident, he blacks out.  Petey up and hits an F5, but Hot Commodity rush in for the SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT FINISH at...

WINNER:  Petey Clark DQ -> (2-1) 3:30 mins. ¼*

Jokaz thinks this should be rated two stars, but I can't see how.  Richards Biggs pulls out a STYLES CLASH on Petey!  Well I've never seen him do that before.  Billy Reno & Gavin drive Jessie back.  Gavin says he's no longer gonna be held responsible for his actions, Joey Grunge comes out to carry Petey to the back.

"Tru Talent" Johnathan Scott (2-2) 217lbs. St. Louis, MO vs. "Primal Instinct" Kurt Rigsby (debut) 200lbs. Manatobia, Canada - Well Kurt Rigsby is from the highly contraversial fed known as Wicked Wrestling Alliance, contraversial only because the Chicagowrestling.com guys made a big stink about a jello match.  Slick Rick is talking like Scott won already.  They trade takedowns to start, Kurt works the arm.  Kurt with a headlock takedown, shoulderblock, kick, suplex and Scott shows his lack of talent by bailing.  He gets back in and chops away, but Kurt chops him back.  Whip across Scott hits a high knee, snap suplex gets two.  Scott clothesline gets two.  Kurt tries a sunset flip but Scott hits a bad looking back body drop.  They do the spot again, Kurt gets the sunset for two.  Spinning heel kick by Kurt gets a pop for two.  Scott with a LOW BLOW and chokes away.  Kurt reverses a whip and hits a sloppy spinebuster.  Slugfest, Kurt with a spinning sidewalk slam gets two.  Johnny Scott stops him with a fisherman's suplex for three.  They need practice.  This apparently was a Freedom Cup qualifier match.

WINNER:  "Tru Talent" Johnathan Scott pin -> (3-2) 7:15 mins. *¾

All of Hot Commodity comes out, just what we needed.  Gavin Alexander says people might lose their lives tonight, says he never got pinned and wants another match to be in that tournament.  He claims he's the true talent of GAW.  He says they finally put it into the Clarks and Joey Grunge.  Put in a fix perhaps, but not put it into them.  Reno says Hot Commodity is the best thing going in 3CW.  Uh wrong fed.  Gavin says no one will stop from ending people's careers.

GAW Tag Team Championship - Four-Way
(c)The Animals (3-1) weight unknown - George Jr. & 3rd vs. Hot Commodity (debut) - Billy Reno & Richard Biggs vs. Gentlemen's Club (debut) 380lbs combined San Franciso, CA - Smooth GQ Suavey & Prime Time Playa w/ Ms. Black vs. Irish Revolution (7-1) 467lbs. combined Dublin, Ireland - Mickey & Shamus McNelson w/ Pat McGowen - Ah, Ms. Black has found her men, and made some good choices.  PTP says the Gentlemen's Club is the hottest team in the fed and that's why Ms. Black picked them.  Third says everyone else talked tonight so they are gonna talk too, that's all they got to say thanks.  Reno and Junior start off, Junior shoves him.  Junior headlock, shoulderblock, suplex gets two.  Junior chops, tags Third, double clothesline gets two.  Junior decides to have Biggs fight his own partner and tags him in.  HC tags both Animals instead, so the Animals do a dumb dance.  GQ and Shamus get tagged in.  Shamus clotheslines GQ down, Junior pulls down PTP's shorts.  Shamus pounds GQ, suplex.  Mick and PTP are tagged in.  Mick fires the knees, KO punch.  Mick clothesline, elbows, suplex gets one.  Ms. Black outta lose the glasses and untie her hair.  GQ finally gets some shots in, PTP in, side elbow, legdrop.  Junior tags in off PTP and gets two.  Junior fires some headbutts and Mick tags Reno in.  Junior slams Reno for two.  Oh here comes Gavin Alexander, with chain.  Third is in, double whip oh Reno tags Biggs in and hits a LOW BLOW on Third.  Third with a whip, Junior hits a karate kick on Biggs.  Junior in, knees and clothesline gets two.  Junior fires another LOW BLOW, tag GQ.  Forearm shot gets two.  Tag PTP, shoulderblocks on Biggs, twisting elbow gets two.  Gavin stalks, Animals get into a brawl with the Irish Revolution and fight to the back, PTP hits a crossbody on Biggs for two!  GQ tagged in, chokes Biggs for two.  GQ hits a DDT on Biggs, PTP gets into a fight with Reno.  GQ goes up top, misses a twisting legdrop.  Biggs whip, twisting powerbomb gets the pin!  You're kidding me!  Animals not a factor here at all, which is why I prefer elimination to single fall on these type of matches.

WINNER and NEW CHAMPS: Billy Reno & Richard Biggs pin -> (1-0) 12:15 mins. **½

The Animals says they never got pinned, they lost on a technicality, Animals call for their music to lead a dance with the kids.

Zero (debut) 226lbs. San Antonio, TX vs. Torq Thompson (debut) 240lbs. Mechanicsburg, IL  - Zero is one half of Void Effect that wrestles the Chicago indies.  Well we finally learn where Torq has been, battling a three week fever.  Truk caught the same disease but it lasted one week.  Armdrag Zero, Torq with a slam and clothesline.  Zero runs off and stalls.  Zero back in, back elbow by Torq, clothesline in the corner.  Torq messes up a headlock takeover, shoveoff, Torq with a shoulderblock, Zero fires back, chops are traded, hip toss by Torq gets two.  Torq reverses a whip and hits a powerslam for two.  Zero with a POWDERSHOT in front of the ref, ref completely ignores it and counts the pin.  WHERE THE HECK WAS THE DQ???  Powder on face, cloud, powder on the mat and you don't call it?  Stupid stupid stupid.

WINNER:  Zero pin -> (1-0) 4:40 mins. ½*

Oh Zero wants to run his mouth, he says he owns this house now, he says he's the biggest thing happening in this Indiana town.  Uh wrong state you MORON.  He says there's not a man in the dressing room that can prove him wrong on his deserving the heavyweight title.  Well out comes Joey Grunge with Scarlet Rose.  Impromptu match is on.

Joey Grunge (debut) 275lbs. South Philly, PA vs. Zero (1-0) 226lbs. San Antonio, TX - Clothesline Joey, he wants the mike but Zero dumps him out, they fight outside, headslam into the apron.  Back in, Zero hits a knee, headbutt.  Joey hits a splash in the corner, makes a wish and hits a LOW BLOW headbutt for two.  Ram to the corner, Joey chops away.  Zero knees him, Scarlet Rose hops on the apron to slap Zero.  Haha, belly to belly suplex Joey gets two.  Shoulderblocks in the corner, Grunge charges but eats a boot.  Commentary team keeps saying Zero may be tired from doing that previous match, yeah a five minute match would tire HIM out?  Zero works the leg, gets a two count, then does an ankle lock.  Joey escapes hits a side suplex.  Zero hits a clothesline and works the leg on the ropes.  Zero slaps on a figure four, lets go.  Zero goes up, Joey intercepts and slams him off.  Zero grabs a hold of the leg again, suplex attempt is blocked, small package Joey gets the pin!  Zero's pissed and pounds on Joey, the Thompsons run back out to break it up and hit a DOUBLE SPEAR on Zero!  

WINNER:  Joey Grunge pin -> (1-0) 6:40 mins. **½

Sammy Jeffries of ESPN Radio 95.9FM in Clinton is introduced. Just as I finish this report, he IM's me outta the blue. Apparently he's in attendance tonight, as he was poking fun at a GAW flyer he saw. JC Michaels heard it and called in to gripe at him, so an invite was made to come to the event this evening.

Apriq Laveq (3-3) 230lbs. France & Sgt. Tank (2-2) 240lbs. Florida w/ Nite Angel vs. Jaxson Pride (6-1) 215lbs. Freedom, PA & Joe Cain (2-4) 120lbs. Decatur, IL - They take turns showboating for crowd reaction.  Apriq does not like being called Goat Boy and wants to mess up other people's faces.  Apriq & Joe start, they trade headlocks.  Apriq pounds away, armbar Joe, snap mare Apriq.  They go to the test of strength but Joe is dwarfed, so he hops on the ropes and barely gets an armdrag.  Apriq hits a slam, knee for two.  Tag Tank, shot to the gut, boot to the chest.  Tank drags Joe over to Pride to tag out.  Hmmm...interesting.  Pride kicks away, whip splash Pride.  Tag Joe, shot to the side, Joe goes up, SWANTON BOMB MISSES!  Tank gets two from that.  Suplex from Tank gets two, tag Apriq double whip double clothesline that FLIPS Joe inside out!  Nite Angel acts devilish and chokes away.  Joe manages to get to his corner and tag out, Pride with a flying clothesline for two.  Pride whip spinebuster gets two.  Tag Joe, double team wheelbarrow splash combo gets two.  Apriq gets a clothesline and makes an illegal switch, Tank pounds him down.  Cain hits a clothesline, manages to hip toss the bigger man.  Tank quickly tags out, Joe hits a drop kick and the heels bail.  Angel hops on the apron to complain but Pride walks over and gives her a big kiss.  Tank is mad and hops in the ring with a weightbelt but is forced out.  Joe hits a DDT, frog splash for two.  Pride in, clotheslines Apriq out, Angel chokes Joe as the heels double team Pride.  Everyone tags out, Joe dodges Apriq's haymakers, hits a spinning side elbow for two.  Tank back in, heels hit a double team wheelbarrow legdrop combo for two.  Apriq in, hangman's suplex, rake.  Apriq Irish whip, they clothesline each other.  They tag out, Pride hits enzuigiris, Joe beats Apriq on the floor, Nite Angel gets in the ring, Tank holds Pride up, Pride dodges and she slaps Tank!  Shattered Pride on Tank and it's over!  Match of the night by far.

WINNERS:  Jaxson Pride & Joe Cain pin -> (1-0) 15 mins. ***½

Tank gets in the face of Nite Angel blaming her for the loss, she DUMPS him and leaves with Pride & Cain.  They take parting shots on Tank and Apriq on their way out.  Apriq is slow to leave, and someone's music hits.  Oh it's Vampire Kaval and he looks pissed off!  Apriq looks shocked to see him there.  Kaval wants revenge for that sneak attack that left him a bloody mess months ago!

Vampire Kaval (1-1-0-1) 155lbs. Heart of Darkness vs. Apriq Laveq (3-3) 230lbs. France - Kaval has been out of action for a while due to injury, I interviewed him recently over the fuss over his status that you can read from the dossier's interview section.  In the meantime, mercenaries have been fighting Apriq in his place.  Kaval's in the ring and they're brawling!  Big clothesline by Kaval, tries to dump him out.  Kaval goes up, he drops an elbow from the top to the floor!  He pounds away on the floor, knee to the head, ref gets to 9 and they barely get back in.  Apriq hits a LOW BLOW!  Axe handle by Apriq he gets two.  Kaval shoves him off, whip big clothesline!  Kaval goes outside, hits a springboard neckbreaker but only gets two!  Apriq gets a rake, he kicks away and chokes with the boot.  Apriq scoop, running slam.  Apriq goes up, MOONSAULT MISSES!!!  Kaval off the ropes, lionsault gets ONE!  Apriq bails out and runs off, Kaval jumps outside at seven and the ref counts them both out.  Dumb Ruffington was supposed to start the count over when Kaval jumped outside.

NO WINNER:  Double countout -> 5:05 mins. **¼

GAW Heavyweight Championship - Lumberjack, No DQ, Retirement Match
(c)Lucky Dane (6-0) 215lbs. Dublin, OH w/ Lizzy O'Shea vs. "Mr. Everything" JC Michaels (2-1) 304lbs. Hollywood, CA w/ an army - Oh boy, I am dreading what is coming big time.  And who's gonna enforce this retirement stip?  Wrestlers don't honor them ALL THE TIME.  Shamus wears a Dane shirt with stuff crossed out, McGowen starts running his mouth at me, just buzz off.  The Irish Revolution nearly get into a fight with that radio host and security has to rush in to break it up.  The heel lumberjacks come out first, the faces come out second, including the girls.  Joey Grunge gets in the face of Ben Taylor.  The faces pound the apron when the bell rings.  Dane with the clotheslines, side elbow.  Dane gets dumped out, there's a fight among the lumberjacks.  Dane hits more clotheslines, side kick on JC gets two.  JC begs for time, Dane makes a wish and LOW BLOWS him.  JC regains the upper hand, lines him up for the BIG SPLASH, side elbow gets two.  JC with a choke, puts on a sleeper, Dane with jawbreaker!  Dane chops him in the corner, Slick Rick runs his mouth about JC being everything, well he EATS everything!  So frustrating to hear him run his mouth on the mike and can't respond in kind.  Dane dumps JC out and dares the heels to come in after him.  The faces use JC's body as bongos, toss in, Dane gets two.  JC in the corner, Dane lines him up, shows bullhorns and misses the charge through the ropes to the floor.  The sports guy is a new lumberjack.  JC hits a DDT for ONE.  JC with a wristlock armbar, then the sleeper...Dane's up, whip JC hits a clothesline.  Dane gets dumped into the enemy section.  Dane dumps JC back, Dane goes up, DIVES on the pile of bodies!  They're back in, JC pounds away, Dane fires back, ten punch count in the corner, chops.  Dane goes up, axe to the mat gets two.  Dane armbar DDT!  Irish Revolution jump in the ring, Lizzy O'Shea jumps in the ring, Ben Taylor jumps in the ring!  Oh great, just as I feared.  The faces are slow to get in the ring, JC hits I'm assuming "Thats A Wrap".  Finally Jaxson Pride jumps in, now we got a riot going, CLIPBOARD SHOT by Ben Taylor!  McGowen grabs Lizzy and now we have a hostage situation.  The sports announcer jumps in the ring.  JC demands all Dane's buddies get outta here, sheesh, they're in disarray.  JC demands Dane quit as he's held by the Irish Revolution.  He says they'll have to kill him, so JC threatens to beat up Lizzy.  JC runs his mouth and tells Taylor to slug Lizzy.  Dane says gimme the belt, so JC says just hand the belt over to him.  Dane blasts people with the belt, Joey Grunge tries to help but gets knocked down, JC blasts him with the flagpole and chokes him with it for the pin.  Clusterfrick, clusterfrick, clusterfrick.

WINNER and NEW CHAMP:  JC Michaels pin -> (3-1) 14:40 mins. *½

Lizzy was NOT the downfall of Dane, so JC didn't make THAT happen at least.  I'll make this perfectly clear, this is NOT the way Lucky Dane's wrestling career should end, on a ridicious screwjob.  People may strongly disagree with this, but JC Michaels gets no rub or torch pass outta this whatsoever having a very dirty win.  The booking has gone the way they wanted to do it, now JC Michaels has a big uphill climb to be a credible title holder despite the angst that may linger within the minds of the locker room.

Lucky Dane seems to agree, he has the mike and tells JC he really didn't earn that strap, and predicts he'll be the shortest reigning champ in GAW ever.  He challenges JC that if he holds that belt longer than 30 days he won't show up as a manager or a fan in the crowd, but if he loses the belt then Dane gets reinstated.  Dane says love is more precious than gold, take that belt and stick it.  Well by my check of the calender, today's the 20th, so JC has to hold onto the belt until 9pm on April 19th.  It looks like there will only be three shows scheduled between now and then, the 1st, 2nd, and probably the 17th--three defenses.

Next time, they'll be running Fools Gold on Friday, April 1st in Maroa, Saturday, April 2nd in Pana.  Two shows in two days, and I wondered why they are running shows back to back days.

The Verdict:  I kinda thought the show as a whole was better than last month's but the average rating per match on this event was actually lower than the previous one.  Apart from the Pride/Cain/Tank/Laveq tag match standing out, the rest is hit or miss and blown away by a show seen in Peoria, though I've heard an NWC show which some of these guys wrestled on in Olney really bombed.  So things could had been a lot worse with some of the talent not showing up and having to throw together matches at the last minute with who's there.  The locker room is still in a major state of flux as not everyone is satisfied with the way things are going and the shows are being affected as a result.

Thumbs in the middle again.